I guess this is what they call uh.. venting

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” Right! WRONG! Sure you can make lemonade but it is going to be just as sour as the lemon with which it was made. I’ve spent several years of my life trying to understand why whenever something finally seems as if its going to turn around…. It just jumps back in line list of my problems. I don’t mind having problems because h, honestly, everyone has problems. Problems are inevitable. I just wish I had someone to help me through them. My whole life the only person I could depend on helping me through a rough time was myself. The worst thing in life is guiding yourself through a dark cave with no flashlight and hoping that you’ll make it to the other side safely. I’ve had a few flashlights but the batteries seemed to have fun out right when I needed it the most. My worst habit is holding on to something r trying to hold on to something that is non existing or fading. I hate letting go because if I am letting it go that means I cherished it beyond my control. I guess that’s my problem. I miss having control. I miss the understanding. The logic. Its like the more logic I put into my life the more I think that I’m going to be either A.) extremely lucky or B.) extremely fucked. Its like when I try so hard my efforts are all in vain. Like for example this school semester. My math class I received an A- and I did absolutely nothing in that class. i would go there and text and tweet. My Bio and Spanish classes I’d actually pay attention and learn. Funny thing is I am amazing at spanish and my teacher was a bitch but Bio. I’ve never really taken the time out to dwell on school before this but I guess that’s why my motivation is tho the drain. I need to care. It works for me. I’m just not trying to stress like I did last year. i’m already depressed no need to make it worst right. i can’t believe that I’m writing all of this but I have no one to talk to. I can’t depend on anyone. Not even myself. I’m confused upset and if I continue to write probably on the verge of tears. Oh how I miss my friend, my sister. I’ve never really had one before but as usual…. The things that matter the most are the things that are taken from me,

21 Years

I’ve given myself some time to think about my life. From the moment of birth I have been placed in one hellish situation after another. 21 Years later and I’m stronger than ever, but I don’t want to be strong anymore. I just want to give up and give in. I feel like my patience is weighing in like a ton of feathers. I say feather because they all started off as a bunch of nothings that just equated into a volcano torture. My heart is lost ad broken and spread across the globe. At times I feel like I’m doing the right thing and that I’m on the right path and then bam. I’m hit with another feather to add on to my load. 21 years and I’m still trying to figure out who I am. 21 years and I’m still trying to figure out where I’m going in life. 21 years ad life is slowly coming to an end.

It’s so hard to see the ones you love lead the life you wish you had. It is so hard to be the friend that people want to count on when you can’t even count on yourself. It is so hard to be the victim when everyone turns you into a villain. I’ve tried to fight back the tears. For the most part I’ve been like Ali in the ring, but it is about that time for me to retire. My life isn’t/wasn’t all bad and that is what makes it worst. I could have been adopted at the age of 3 to a family member, a family member who no longer acknowledges me. Instead I was sent into foster care. In foster care I was still lucky because I didn’t separate from my brothers. In foster care I had another chance to be adopted and once again it was a no go. the positive in that was that I got to live with my mother again which was good for a while. i was separated from my brothers again. I was thrown into a drug and rodent infested home and yet through all of my circumstances I thrived. For the most part I was an A and B student. I did sports and engaged in after school activities. I learned at a young age that you don’t show your pain on the outside because people thrive on your wounds and make them fester. 

Back at my hell hole home I was molested continuously for about 6 years. My mother never even had a clue. I had tried drugs and alcohol but I was too young and too smart to let them control my life. I out myself in one of the best schools in Boston and tried my hardest to make my momma proud. I was in band, I was on the step squad, I even got a couple of roles in our schools plays, but nothing seemed to work. I started to realize how weak my existence is. Along the way I made several good friends. My thing with friends is don’t expect them to be there for long. I never expect anyone to be in my life for long. I lived in a broken home with a glass heart. 

I was going to add more to this post but the more I wrote the more tears flooded from my eyes. I realized that expressing this much was enough.I’ve never shared that much before at least not in one chunk and with as much detail. Although I’m still alone I don’t feel as lonely anymore. I don’t care is no one or 1 million people read this. Sharing at least that much makes me feel slightly better.

Everyday I try to avoid it. I try to ignore it. I know what I said, I didn’t mean. You are the one person my heart keeps reverting to. You are the one flashback that I remember clearly. So why won’t my heart let me dial your number. Why am I sitting here wondering what it would be like to still know you? I hear continuously that it is a great thing that we are no longer physically connected but does that mean we are no longer mentally or emotionally connected as well? I have so many questions for you. So many things I want to say to you.

It takes a strong person to pretend that he or she is an even stronger person. I am superwoman and my cryptonite is boys. I am sucker for a good guy and good guys usually have girlfriends. It sucks because these guys are usually content with their girlfriends until they meet me. I am the kind of girl that will always make you feel special. I will do anything in my power to make you happy without smothering you. Im the kind of girl who will push you towards your goals and also the kind of girl that will set goals for you. Not to sound cocky or anything but I am the ultimate girlfriend. Most guys are oblivious to this or at least pretend to be. im fine with that because when my guy comes he will acknowledge it. I truly believe my life is a fantasy.

That text that was never sent.

I try to be true to my feelings because I want you to know how I feel. It’s not like me to put myself out there without being aware of the consequences. I’m usually prepared for things like this but I don’t even know if I’m prepared for you. I swear, I can handle what ever it is that your keeping from me, so just tell me.

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